” But the innovations that are most widely followed, even by those who resent them, are vulgar, impractical or nonsensical — and almost always expensive. Here are some that Miss Manners refuses to sanction:

* That “wedding” is a collective noun referring to a long series of events — minimally including an engagement party, numerous showers, bachelor and spinster (Miss Manners is incapable of saying “bachelorette”) parties, a rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, a dinner, a dance and the next day’s brunch — until everyone concerned has been worn to a frazzle. And that they all require presents.
Only the ceremony and a celebration immediately after have the full sanction of etiquette; the rest is for those who have the stamina. A true engagement party is one at which the bride’s father announces the engagement as a surprise, and showers are solely at the discretion of friends.”

That said, I want it to be known that there is no etiquette rule in existence on the planet that says you must cover your plate and that of your guest, and put a cherry on top. That idea was spread around by a cheapskate bride and groom, or an internet joke, and picked up on as fact by the gullible and greedy. You should be invited to a wedding because you are wanted there, and if you feel it is for a financial purpose, you should not attend.

For your situation, cash in a card would be very suitable. If that is not something you want to do, you can order gift certificates online or order gifts to be shipped to the recipient.

As always, the amount of each gift/donation depends on you….how close are you to these people and how much can you afford. If you are close enough that they know your finances (not exact $ amounts, but they know your situation) they will be happy with $5 and a heartfelt note. Some would even be thrilled with just the note. I would!

So, yes, separate gifts for the wedding and shower are appropriate. Just keep them within your budget.

Enegagement parties are gift optional events, and it is in very bad taste if the couple register and expect gifts for them and also if they do a formal gift opening at the party. So you are not wrong there. An engagment party is to toast the happy couple and wish them well.

Showers are gift events, thats why they call it a shower, you shower the girl with gifts to help her set up house.

Bachelorette parties around where I live are gift free events, the party is a gift that is split by all who attend, but if you arenet expected to pony up the cash to help pay for the party I dont see why it would be too bad to get a little gift for it, since thats the intent of the party.

A wedding is also gift optional, but its not uncommon to bring a gift, in fact I think gift giving is more common than not.

Yes, this can all add up, but in no way do you have to spend a certain amount for each event. An engagement deserves a card of good wishes to the couple. A shower a gift from her registry, but if that stuff is too expensive for you then you are not required to shop of a registry, they are only suggestions. A pretty frame for their wedding picture would be enough. The bachelorette, you dont have to give lingere, maybe a care package of sunscreen and aloe if they are going to a warm destination or two coffee mugs and some nice flavored coffee to drink their first morning as husband and wife.
The wedding you can bring a gift to or not. A card is a must though. We give money for weddings where I am from, but if its tradtion to give actual gifts in your area maybe a nice photo album for the pictures that everyone will be giving them from personal cameras. By no means do you have to go overboard with money spending.

I will say this, there is a bright side to all this gift giving, when you get married you will get the same treatment from all these girls in return, so thats a silver lining.

If you do not plan to attend these events in person, 1 gift for the wedding itself is appropriate, IMO. An invitation is not a bill.