I won’t allow my fiance to have a bachelor’s party is that wrong?
July 18th, 2009 | 
Author: Cassie asked:
I mean from what I’ve seen of them. I don’t like them at all. Plus he went to one of his friend’s bachelor party like a month ago and got drunk and according to what I heard he was all over some stripper skank so I can only imagine what he will do at his own party. Honestly I don’t see the point of a guy getting drunk and dancing with skanks before they get married. I’m having a bridal shower given to me by my best friend but it’s nothing like that it’s just a calm shower with me and my friends having finger sandwiches and giving me gifts, I know guys don’t have that kind of thing but if it’s not then he shouldn’t have one. He’s mad at him but I don’t think that’s wrong.
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Category: Bachelor Party | 
Tags: Bachelor Party, Bridal Shower, Friends, Gifts, Skanks | 
36 Comments »
I dont think you have any right at all to tell him he can’t have one. You can express your worries about strippers and getting out of control, and if he loves you he will respect it, and if you trust him it shouldn’t be an issue. But to ban it completley is rude, and awful and he will no doubt resent you for it. Not a healthy way to start a marriage.
It’s ok for him to have a bachelor party and it’s ok for strippers to be there, it isn’t ok for him to touch them or allow them to touch him. I don’t think it’s ever good to make something forbidden, much better to express how much it hurts you and if touchin on a skank is more important to him them not hurting your feelings then you need to rethink the marriage. Unless, of course you don’t really care about his feelings either in which case yall are a perfect match.
No, I think it’s fine. It’s not about trust in my opinion. It’s about what is considered appropriate or not.
ask him how he would feel if you got drunk at your party and were groping some hot ***** guy. let him know that your not trying to control him but that it makes you feel very uncomfortable. ask if he can have a bachelor party with just his guy friends at a BAR or dance club, not a strip club. tell him that you don’t want to start your marriage off by thinking about what he did with some random women a few days before you got married. don’t get overly angry/defensive. just calmly explain how his actions make you feel. i don’t think your wrong to feel this way, you probably just didn’t phrase it to him the right way because your obviously upset/hurt.
and hell, touching/groping a stripper could be considered cheating. and thats not ok to do when you are in ANY sort of a relationship, even if you aren’t married yet.
he needs freedom to do what he wants, but if he wants to be married to you and be a good husband, he needs to consider your feelings too. thats what marriage is about. partnership, caring etc. (not strippers)
if you feel that you have to not allow him to do that, then you obviously don’t trust him and consequently have no business getting married, IMO. a major part of a marriage is trust. if you don’t have that, you will have problems.
You can’t say you allow him, or do allow him to do anything – he is an adult.
Having a bachelor party doesn’t always mean interacting with strippers and getting drunk. Give your fiance some credit….and some trust.
I don’t think that you are wrong to want to forbid it, but I don’t think it is practical for you to actually do it. He is a grown man and if you and he want to get married this is something you really need to figure out. If you can’t trust him to not get drunk and be all over another woman, it’s time to rethink your engagement. You have to be able to trust him, and if you think he can’t control himself, find a man who can.
I think you two need to work on your trust issue if you think he is going to cheat on you at his bachelor party. Instead of treating him like a child and forbidding him to do something, why don’t you talk to him and his best man and just express your feelings and that you would prefer there be no strippers. Guys can get together and have a bachelor party without strippers! They can still go to a bar or a club or go golfing, I am sure your fiance is in to something other than strippers! I know if my fiance told me I couldn’t have a bachelorette party then we would have a bigger issue to discuss.
Well, I understand your point of view completely. I’m not at all ok with the concept of dancing with and hanging out with other women as some sort of celebration for entering into marriage. It makes no sense whatsoever, and I’m not ok with it for my fiance. To me, that’s cheating.
You shouldn’t use the word ‘allow’ when it comes to anything relating to your fiance, though, because he’s your fiance, not your child. If you have issues with it, talk to him about it. Explain to him how it makes you feel, and chances are, he’ll respect your feelings on it. Ask him if he’d be ok with you dancing with male strippers the night before your wedding; chances are, he wouldn’t be.
He should be able to have a bachelor party – as in, he should be able to go out with his friends and drink or stay in and have a poker night, whatever. There’s no need for strippers, and any man who says there is a need or it’s ‘ok’ is disrespectful and isn’t ready for monogamy and the commitment of marriage.
My fiance and I are having our bachelor/bachelorette parties, but neither of us wants to have anything to do with other men/women. We’re getting married, for christ’s sake; why would we want other men or women? It makes no sense. It has nothing to do with “coming home to him” or “him coming home to me” at the end of the night; it’s about respect and fidelity.
Don’t say you won’t “allow” him to do it when you talk to him; just explain that you’re uncomfortable with strippers or other women being part of the night, and tell him that you’d much rather he celebrate with his friends and nobody else. If he can’t do that, I would seriously re-consider marrying a person that can’t respect your feelings on such an issue.
I think if you dont trust your FH enough to let him have a stupid party that is a rite of passage, you should NOT be getting married. Look, you are being THAT GIRL who dictates and makes ridiculous rules. Do you really want to be that girl? Perhaps you can both discuss it and maybe decide that strippers wont be at either. I am not comfortable with strippers but at the same time, I trust my FH. I am not about to tell him he cant have a bachelor party. In fact, I love and TRUST my fh so much that I am “allowing” ( as you say) him to go to Amsterdam for the weekend. Amsterdam is known for their raunchy *** shows, legal prostitution and strippers. And guess what? I dont care! I trust him enough to know hes going there to get drunk and maybe smoke some legal weed (not that he does at home!). No biggie. You need to chill out and have some faith in your man. If you cant do that, your marriage is doomed!
ps steer clear of telling you FH what he is and is not “allowed” to do. That does not bode well with men and you will eventually drive him away.
I think a good compromise is when the bride says something like “You don’t want to disappoint your friends by not giving them this opportunity to act the fool. But I think you should invite my brothers (or some other trusted male friends of the bride’s family) so that I never have to wonder whether YOU acted the fool. That would show the world that we really trust each other, and make me so proud.”
I think it is also a good idea for brides to insist that bachelor parties occur at “high end” gentlemen’s clubs where guests are not allowed to grope the entertainers. Brides should definitely object strongly to such parties in a private home with “private strippers” providing entertainment. Unless this entertainment is provided by a very reputable talent agency, these “dancers” may be expecting to supplement their income by doing more than dancing. I hope I’ve been clear without being smutty?
Are you his mother or his fiance? It isn’t your decision at all whether he gets a bachelor party or not. The hosts are the ones who decide that, not you. He isn’t dictating whether you should be allowed any parties so where do you get off bossing him around? You clearly don’t trust him at all, so you shouldn’t be marrying him. Until you get these trust issues resolved, life is going to be hell for both of you, especially him. Also, you should know that if you forbid someone from doing something, it only makes it that more appealing to them.
Yes, you are wrong. If you can’t trust your fiance enough to do the right thing and not cheat on you during his bachelor party, then I don’t think you have the level of mutual trust necessary to make a marriage work. A bachelor party is a rite of passage for a guy- it’s kind of a symbolic farewell to single life. Guys look forward to their bachelor parties the way women look forward to the wedding day itself. I have a lot of guy friends and can tell you that they literally have talked about their future bachelor party with their friends since about college. You can’t deprive your fiance of that.
I think your man will surprise you by just how trustworthy he is if you just relax and let him have a nice bachelor party without you hovering around him and acting judgmental. Just make sure he knows that you trust him, and also that he is aware that if he breaks that trust, your relationship as he knows it is over. If he loves you enough to want to spend his whole life with you, trust me, he isn’t going to throw all of that away on a skanky stripper. If you let him go have a good time, he will likely be very grateful to you for understanding and spend the whole night thinking of you. However, if you act more like his strict mommy than his future wife, you might get him started thinking of all the other things you’re not going to let him do, and this is what causes men to be scared of going through with the wedding.
My fiance and I made an agreement. He wouldn’t have strippers or anything because I’m not going to, but he didn’t really want that anyway… His friends did though! (He had to have his party early because of his work schedule. Mine is going to be the week of the wedding.) He wanted his groomsmen to take him fishing and that’s what they did. We also have an agreement that since I can’t drink because I’m pregnant, he can’t either, but I told him that it was his bachelor party so he could have a few.
There’s a lot of give and take in marriages, but from what I’ve been told, there are more sacrifices than anything. You just need to communicate with him and work the problems out.
I don’t like the thought that you feel entitled to ALLOW him permission to have a party, as if you’re his mother rather than his partner. Most men really don’t respond well to that sort of behavior.
i don’t think you should forbid him from having a bachelor’s party… you guys have some things to work out sounds like to me….
why don’t you have a jack and jill bachelor/bachoerollete party??
Sounds to me like you BOTH have some maturing to do! How ’bout you talk to your girlfriends and decide to have a COUPLE’s party?? The old tradition of “just the women” attending a bridal shower is rather outdated in today’s world. Afterall, if people are buying gifts, they are for BOTH of you, right? If both your friends and his are all at the same party, there shouldn’t be a problem. Both of you can get a little crazy if you want & know that it won’t get out of hand.
Is it wrong? YES, it is. You need to grow up and be a mature person.
And a little trust in your fiance might not hurt either!
If you aren’t mature and don’t trust him then you have bigger problems that you should probably work out together with a relationship counselor or pastor before you do actually get married.
A Bridal Shower and a Bachelor Party are two completely different party’s.
You can’t compare them at all. So what you are saying is that you can’t or won’t trust him? You need to communicate and put trust in him. This is a one night thing. guys get drunk and sometimes girls are there.. If you are so worried about them having strippers there, ask him not too.
He can have a Bachelor Party without women, I don’t think you are asking too much for that. Have a talk with him, Its that simple.
The two of you should meet half way.
First of all, you are right not to want him to have a traditional bachelor party. I find them disrespectful to the bride as it mocks the whole idea of marriage. I have heard horror stories myself like guys getting bj’s etc. Let him know that there are alternatives to having stripppers or going to a strip club such as hiking, camping, having a barbecue, going to a sporting event or paint balling. Some couples even have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party that involves the friends of both the bride and groom. If he still insists on having strippers and feels that he cannot enjoying his bachelor party without them then I would reconsider the wedding. This would give him time to grow up. Good luck to you.
I completely agree with you. However, I think your biggest problem is that he wants to. And that a month ago he thought it was okay to be groping on a stripper. I have never understood this trend of a groom getting one last fling in before he ties the knot. If that is how a man looks at marriage, as if it is a chain and the end of all of his fun, then the marriage is in for some tough times, if not divorce. My husband went camping with his friends the weekend before the wedding and then stayed the night with the best man the night before. It was a guys only thing. He drank a couple of beers (not dog drunk) and fished and the like. I had a movie night with my sister the night before the wedding. He didn’t even mention having a wild bachelor party or strippers. I guess that is why I do trust him so much. When men don’t give you cause to not trust them you don’t. So anyone saying this is about you not trusting him is crazy. It is about respecting your self and demanding respect from him. I would consider postponing the wedding and getting some premarital counseling. Fast!!
The idea that you get to “allow” him to do something or not is very very wrong.
I assume he’s an adult, not a child. Adults get to make their own decisions, dear. You don’t give or withhold permission, even when it’s your spouse.
I feel bad for your fiance.
From what I know of them, I think bachelor parties are stupid and immature. That said, however, note that weddings are all about the bride and nothing about the groom. Correct that imbalance and perhaps there wouldn’t be a need for the bachelor party.
Also, if I were heading into a marriage in which my bride “won’t allow” me to do things, I would certainly back out. The idea that she might have unilateral veto power would be a show stopper for me.
I think it’s because you don’t trust your fiance and if you don’t trust him as far as a guy’s party, you’re not gonna trust him ANY TIME he goes out with the guys, and all husband need their ‘just the guy’ times, lke you need ‘girls night out’ or shopping/lunch dates, tupperware or make-up parties, etc…..
Lighten up…you are making a lot of assumptions. I know a lot of batchelor parties that entail pizza and guy treats, and sports…heck one of my cousin’s had a hockey game as his batchelor party.
So if you don’t trust the guy, why marry him?
You are flat out wrong. You are getting married to the man so I can only assume you trust him. If you trust him then you know that he will not do anything at his party that you would not want him to do. If you do not trust him then you should seriously reconsider marrying him.
Most bachelor parties are not like what you see in the movies. I just threw my brother one where we drank a lot and ate a lot and went for hikes and played sports and stuff like that. We did not see a single woman the whole weekend.
If you think you are entitled to a shower then how can you think he is not entitled to a bachelor party? Do you really think guys are going to get together and have finger sandwiches and do the same sorts of things you and your girlfriends are going to do? Of course not. Do not start your marriage off by trying to control him because it will just end in disaster.
Have an open conversation with him and tell him what you are uncomfortable with and see if you can come to a compromise. Maybe there will be skanky strippers there, but he will promise he won’t touch them or have any contact with them or something. Marriage is all about compromise. Start practicing now.
Sounds like you have MAJOR trust issues you need to work out. By “forbidding” him to do something you are being overbearing and controlling, which is not a good way to start a marriage. You two need to discuss this issue and perhaps seek counseling.
Also, why do you assume he will have strippers and alcohol at his party? My fiance is playing paintball with his buddies all day and then having dinner at some dive bar steak place they love. I was fine with whatever he wanted, I trust him and his decision. If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t be marrying him. Also, a bridal shower is not equivalent to a bachelor/bachelorette party, it’s a seperate entity so don’t compare the two.
Good luck!
No, you are not totally out of line. I know how you feel. BUT consider that his friends might throw him one anyway, against your wishes.
How about…
Have a co-ed shower, a stock-the-bar luau would be awesome!!!
You could have some flower lei’s and buy some juices- your guests will bring the booze (hence “stock-the-bar party”) and put little umbrellas in the drinks. Cheap, easy co-ed fun- it will be a BLAST.
You guys could play some trivia game to see who knows the most about you two, or which one of you knows more about the other. Games can be fun, when alcohol involved ; )
Just for him…
Before hand, he can go play golf with the guys OR have a game station (or even poker table) set up for him and the guys for LATER in the evening. If you let him know about the playstation, WII or poker too soon, you’ll lose all the guys immediately. This way he will feel that he had a little something just for him and the guys. (You could even go as far as getting some of those playing cards with 50′s pin up chics on them- **** without being disgusting)
For you…
pedicure/manicure, massage, pole-dancing class with the girls…all great alternatives to the typical bachelor/bachelorette parties!
He’s mad at him but I don’t think that’s wrong.
Of course, you don’t because you are being selfish and only viewing things from your point of view.
This is his last night of “FREEDOM”. He deserve it as much as you deserve your finger sandwiches and big wedding and all the other things you are looking forward to. If I were him, I would be concerned that you are so selfish and have no regard for my feelings, already.
You don´t “Allow” him?…
don´t get me wrong I don´t see that much in a bachelor party myself, atleast not in the cliché ones. But if you don´t “alow” him to have one. That seems to be the wrong way of starting a marriage.
Don´t you think you should talk about it and then agree on either a form of bachelor party that is acceptable for both or no party. But don´t start into marriage being all bossy… well or live with the consequences.
Good luck and ahve a wonderful wedding!
Allow?? He is an adult, and if you can’t trust him, than there are bigger issues. I don’t like traditional bachelor parties either. My fiance and I discussed it like adults, and we both agree that we don’t like the idea of either one of us with strippers. It just makes us uncomfortable. So, he is going go-carting/ paintballing/ etc, for his party, and I am going dancing with the girls. No strippers. You can still have a party without strippers.
Its up to you and your man. I personally wouldn’t care.Instead of having that boring old bridal shower why not let loose a little. I plan to fully let loose at my bachlorette party! Drinks, male stippers, dancing, all of that!! LOL After all it’s the last single night, and it’s a celebration with my girls on the new life I’m about to have!! Maybe you should do the same:) Don’t worry about anything, he is marrying you because he want to be with YOU…not those skanky stippers! It’s just a little fun:) But it’s up to you……just have fun and enjoy yourself:)
You are not his mother to won’t “allow him” to do x or y. He is an adult. Next thing, you won’t “allow him” to watch football, won’t “allow him” to see his friends etc.
If your fiance is not a gentleman, then that is not the stripper’s fault.
Good luck
the way i see it is you can forbid it and he well do it anyway. or you can allow it and stop a fight from happening. because i figure you well be furious that he went and did it anyway. his best man and grooms men are going to take him to the strip club regardless of what he tells them. and ya its a gross place but from what i understand he cant touch the girls . or get overly aggressive or they well kick them out. sorry but its kinda a tradition for bachlor partys. and i think its better he go out then have them come in . i would worry more if the girls were coming to him cuz that would be toxic
i think hes a grown boy and he can make his own decisions
You are wrong.
He should be allowed to have one if your having one.[Yes, technically you are having a bachelorette party, though it might not be as wild and crazy as usual ones it is still a bachelorette party.]
That is unfair or you.
Sounds like you don’t trust him, and If you don’t trust him you shouldn’t be marrying him.
I would work this issue out before you get married.
And if you don’t, then I would be VERY sure that you don’t have kids together for at least 5 years after you get married. You two have issues together, and if you’re going to end up getting divorced, it’s easier all around if you don’t have to worry about kids in the middle of it.